Ultimate Bad Ass: Quarterfinals - Women’s Bracket | Pop Critics

Ultimate Bad Ass: Quarterfinals - Women’s Bracket

Mike April 30th, 2008 Movies, Television

We almost had another crisis on our hands with the Women’s Bracket in our Ultimate Bad Ass contest. It seems the girls are a lot tougher than the guys and their duels go down to the friggin’ wire.

With the voting ending at 7:30pm last night, I noticed at 5:00pm that both matchups were tied 9-9. After 5 days. Amazing.

Not willing to cast the deciding votes once again, and having some friends over to watch the Phoenix Suns debacle, we got Nicky to make the call.

In the Sarah Connor versus Lara Croft matchup, Lara took the victory by a pony tail’s length. And The Bride knocked out Ripley the Alien killer.

Whew. Who knows what is going to happen this round, but let’s get it started.

(on a side note, I think it’s definitely been proven I know not a THING about women, considering we have a 5th and 6th seed remaining)

#5 Lara Croft versus #6 The Bride

This is actually an interesting matchup, one I find pretty even. Lara Croft, she can move and fight like The Bride, and is pretty deadly with her dual pistols. The Bride has the Hattori Hanzo sword, which might cut through anything known to man.

#5 Lara Croft versus #6 The Bride

The Bride (68%)
Lara Croft (32%)

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Movies, Television
Ultimate Bad Ass, women's bracket

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Jason 4 months ago 1 point
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The two battle hardened women face one another then slowly begin to circle, never once taking their eyes off their opponent. The Bride speaks first.

"You must be Lara Croft."

"And you must be Black Mamba," Lara responds in Japanese.

"Our reputations precede us."

"Don't they?" Lara replies. "I had two movies."

"So did I." the Bride responds.

"But yours was really only one that was too long to play in modern multiplexes so the director cut it into two films to avoid having to trim the self-glorifying content down to a realistic level that audiences could embrace in one sitting." Lara says coldly.

"You B___ch!" the Bride yells. And the battle begins.

The Bride pulls her Hanzo sword and charges, but Lara Croft is too quick and easily leaps out of the way, drawing both her pistols and firing at The Bride at the same time. The Bride is struck in the leg, but she barely notices. Like a Jedi knight she is able to deflect Crofts bullets with her sword as she moves ever closer.

Just as The Bride is within arms length of Lara, her sword absords the impact of one too many bullets and splits in half. Lara, thinking she has the upper hand smiles slyly then points her weapons at the Bride and pulls both triggers. Click. Click. Nothing happens. She is out of the bullets.

It is now hand to hand combat. CAT FIGHT!

The women punch and scream and pull each other's hair. Clothing is ripped and the women begin open handed slapping each other. Bystanders and Bad Ass Contest officials begin dousing the women in exotic oils. A crew from Girls Gone Wild shows up and begins filming "Girls Gone Wild: Bad Ass Broads Brawl Vol 1."

Then, suddenly, The Bride has had enough. Summoning the last of her strength she uses the five-point palm - exploding heart technique on Lara Croft. Croft's heart stops and she falls to the ground dead. The Bride wins.

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Mike 4 months ago 1 point
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ROTFL! Hilarious :)

Cat Fight!

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The Trousered Ape 4 months ago 1 point
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Cat Fight! - LOL

the Bride takes this one for sure...

Hey Mike - another bracket idea - American Idol contestants. I'd give a large sum of money to see Sanjaya and David Archuleta in a fight...

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Mike 4 months ago 1 point
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OMG, hilarious Ape :)

We could do one that's like the B-list, or even C-list, of reality show contestants.

Tila Tequila, Kardasian, Sanjaya, etc...

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The Trousered Ape 4 months ago 1 point
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I was thinking just limiting it to AI contestants because most of the seeding work is already done for you (based on when they exited) - but having other reality peeps on there would be pretty funny as well.

The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig

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Mike 4 months ago 1 point
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I guess we could do that, but do you mean like ALL AI contestants, good or bad?

Interesting.

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Kory 4 months ago 1 point
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@ Jason - another classic post! Nothing like a good old cat fight!

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Cap'n Schwartz 4 months ago 1 point
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@Jason, you continue to surpass your previous battle scenes...

@Mo... I wouldnt go around bragging about this..."(on a side note, I think itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s definitely been proven I know not a THING about women)" and yet somehow, Jina stays with you!!! Is she great or what!!

I'll go against the grain, Lara wins this matchup

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jina 4 months ago 1 point
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Mike: I think itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s definitely been proven I know not a THING about women

Jina: No comment

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The Trousered Ape 4 months ago 1 point
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@ Mike - couldn't you imagine Frenchie Davis v. "Soul Patrol"?

The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig

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Jason 4 months ago 1 point
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@Cap'n - What? No way Lara wins this. Once they get naked and the oil gets involved her boobs sooooo get in the way...

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jina 4 months ago 1 point
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If I had a nickel for every time Angelina Jolie's boobs got in the way of a good fake cat fight. Jason, you speak the truth!

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Cap'n Schwartz 4 months ago 1 point
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@Jason are you kidding me!?!? Its actually why Lara wins, she has two more weapons then the bride has, the bride has none, Lara can actually arm hers, and its easy to picture hers firing a trigger!

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Ana 4 months ago 1 point
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How did I know Jason's rendition would have naked boobies and oil? Sounds like our Honeymoon. ;)

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The Trousered Ape 4 months ago 1 point
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It does? Did Jason oil up his man-boobs?

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Ana 4 months ago 1 point
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How did you know?!

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The Trousered Ape 4 months ago 1 point
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Perhaps I've said too much...

The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig

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Cap'n Schwartz 4 months ago 1 point
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OMG... I ABOUT SHOT WATER THROUGH MY NOSE... LOLOLOLOLOL Ana, and Ape...

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Jason 4 months ago 1 point
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@Ape - You've said too much!?

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The Trousered Ape 4 months ago 1 point
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:)

The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig

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The Trousered Ape 4 months ago 1 point
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@ Jason - said too much? more like seen too much - lol

The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig

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jina 4 months ago 1 point
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I am going to close my eyes and shake my head to and forth and try to dislodge this conversation from my memory forever... "boobies"... "oil"... shoot, it's not working.