Ultimate Bad Ass: Semifinals Game 1

By Mike

May 5, 2008 in Movies

Well, we’re down to the Final Four contestants in Ultimate Bad Ass.

It’s been a long road, but a satisfying one. I think at this point the only major surprise is that Chuck Norris failed to make it far, and that Ripley was eliminated early as well.

Now it’s time for Game 1 of the Semifinals, which perhaps could be the championship game itself, but we’ll wait and see how things play out.

#1 Jack Bauer versus #2 Jason Bourne

A matchup of titans, a battle of mega-action heroes, Bauer versus Bourne is one for the ages. It’s like the Alien Vs. Predator movies. We can only dream of ever seeing these guys go at it in a film.

So who do you have? Both are equally awesome, equally deadly and equally able to disappear from the eyes of the law.

Contestants…duel!

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Scotty Dub 5 months ago 1 point
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Had to go with Bourne on this one, but it was agonizing.

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Mike 5 months ago 1 point
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Agreed Scotty.

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Kory 5 months ago 1 point
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Rolling with Bourne as well. It's a shame these two were on the same side of the bracket.

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Cap'n Schwartz 5 months ago 1 point
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Word for Word what Scotty said.... except the last blog part...

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Robert 5 months ago 1 point
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It's not going too well for Jack...

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AnaDVR 5 months ago 1 point
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I'm the only one who voted for Jack so far?! Come on people!

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Jason 5 months ago 1 point
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Normally, I would write a battle scene between the two opposing warriors in this round of the Ultimate Bad Ass contest that would detail how I think a battle between the two might go culminating in a victory by the person I intend to vote for.

Unfortunately, for the battle between Jack Bauer and Jason Bourne I lack the writing skills necessary to convey the true and complete awesomeness that such a battle scene would entail. Therefore, I will not insult either of the competitors with the disservice of an inferior battle scene.

However, despite the fact that both men are incredibly cool and can certainly be considered "Bad Asses," I feel that one of the two men is, in fact, more of an actual "Bad Ass" than the other man. I feel that this man is Jack Bauer.

In support of my statement I offer the following:

Jason Bourne is a formidable opponent for sure. He's a trained CIA assasin capable of killing others and defending himself with whatever happens to be around him including a book (Bourne Ultimatum), a pen (Bourne Identity), a magazine, electrical cord, and a bottle of vodka (Bourne Supremacy). However, he also took three movies, spanning months or years, to solve the biggest problem plaguing him. For much of that time he didn't even know who or what he was. He has skills but he's not even sure what he's capable of.

Jack Bauer, however, knows exactly what he's capable of - anything. Jack can solve any problem or world crises in under 24 hours - without sleep. Jack once let himself get addicted to drugs just so he could infiltrate a drug cartel. Jack has shot and killed an ex-lover, his boss (who he shot in the head execution style), a fellow employee of CTU, and tortured his own brother for the betterment of the country. He's also killed and cut off someone's head just to help him get some information. Jack willingly throws himself at certain death on a daily basis.

You might also consider these facts when considering whether or not Jack Bauer is the Ultimate Bad Ass of all:

1. Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.

2. When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.

3. Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.

4. On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.

5. When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate (might even be Jason Bourne). When bad things happen to bad people, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s probably Jack Bauer.

6. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

7. Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.

8. Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.

9. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

10. Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.

11. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

12. Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.

13. The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

14. The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.

15. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

16. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

17. If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

18. A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.

19. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

20. Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.

In conclusion, Jack Bauer IS the Ultimate Bad Ass. Maybe someday, if Jason Bourne will learn to react more and think less he will become the Ultimate Bad Ass. Until then, the vote must go to Jack.

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Robert 5 months ago 1 point
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On behalf of Chuck Norris, I strenuously object to your shameless Gimmick Infringement, and insist that you cease and desist immediately.

I would also point out that the Bourne movies have actually done him a great disservice by not portraying him as in the books. He finds out who he is in the first book.

I would also point out that he travels the world in rapid succession on his missions for weeks on end, where Jack Bauer is washed up AFTER A SINGLE DAY. The man has no stamina.

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Mike 5 months ago 1 point
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Jason, that was real nice and all, but Bourne is going to win :)

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jina 5 months ago 1 point
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Although I do have to say that when Jack Bauer's slutty daughter or live-in girlfriend of the season or train wreck brother shows up, he turns into a pile of goo... Jason Bourne, no messy attachments.

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Jason 5 months ago 1 point
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No messy attachments? What about the chick he fell in love with that got killed? He was ready to settle down with her. Sissy.

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Mike 5 months ago 1 point
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Yeah, but did he cry over it? No.

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R.A. Porter 5 months ago 1 point
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Cry over it? No. He killed over it.

The only way Jack Bauer could win this fight is if Jason Bourne didn't see the little munchkin walk up to him. But Jason Bourne doesn't *need* to see. He'd hear Bauer's approach and end the fight then and there.

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The Trousered Ape 5 months ago 1 point
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Bourne - all the way...

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Jason 5 months ago 1 point
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Traitors! All of you!

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Cap'n Schwartz 5 months ago 1 point
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I'm highly surprised Mo didnt vote for Jack...

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Scotty Dub 5 months ago 1 point
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If I could vote twice and technically, I could, I would vote for Jack based on Jason's points above...awesome!

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The Trousered Ape 5 months ago 1 point
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@ Jason - the only problem with your list above is that Jack Bauer still requires 24 hours to solve a crises. You would think that after 6 days of that, he would have figured out a faster way to deal with those kinds of issues. Jack doesn't know Jack and therefore Jason wins...

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Raven Spinner 5 months ago 1 point
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"Jack doesn't know Jack...." LOL! Too funny! Ape: I voted for Jason too. ;)

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Jason 5 months ago 1 point
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I can't help but feel that if Jason Bourne and Jack Bauer were to meet, Jason would be all like "who am I?" and Jack would be like, "nobody" BAM! And shoot him in the head. Game over.

Jack doesn't take time to worry about petty things like who he is or who he was.

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The Trousered Ape 5 months ago 1 point
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Jack Bauer...phew, there's one Bourne every minute!

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Ultimate Bad Ass: Semifinals Game 1

#1 Jack Bauer versus #2 Jason Bourne

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